The other day someone asked me a question that I never expected to hear as a professional: “Do you know anything that can be used to bleach someone’s butthole?”

Seriously? I mean WTF are people thinking? What has society come to when a person worries that their asshole, something nobody else should be seeing or contemplating much, isn’t as bright and even toned as the rest of their derriere. Have no other more pressing issues or problems to think about?

Naturally this lead my somewhat skewed sense of humor to imagine a new infomercial. One that could only be done by the sadly deceased Billie Mays.

“Hi Folks! Billie Mays here. Are tired of your butthole not being bright and even toned? Do you worry about how to erase that unsightly darkness surrounding your anal sphincter? Well now there’s a solution.

Try our new amazing Butt Be Bright! It Lightens! It Brightens! It Freshens!

No more need to feel self-conscious as your darkest nether regions will now be as bright and sparkly as the rest of you. And it smells great too!

Our new product comes in four entrancing fragrances: Ocean Breeze, Pine Forest, Floral Bouquet and Exotic Spice. You’ll not only look great but you’ll smell great too.

Order now and we’ll even throw in our Out Damned Spot for those more stubborn stains. If you call in the next 5 minutes we’ll double your order! 

That’s right, you’ll get two bottles of Butt Be Bright and two bottles of Out Damned Spot for the low price of only $19.99 (plus shipping and handling) So order now!

Quantities are limited and operators are standing by.

Disclaimer: Butt Be Bright anpsyche.”d Out Damned Spot are not meant for internal consumption. Side effects may include , but are not limited to; burning, stinging, itching, necrosis, anaphylaxis, loss of I.Q., loss of self-respect, loss of $19.99, humiliation, and anal prolapse. Not responsible for any damages to your body or psyche.”

Oh and my professional answer to the original question was: Nothing that would be safe.