Category: humor


Do you see spots?

The other day someone asked me a question that I never expected to hear as a professional: “Do you know anything that can be used to bleach someone’s butthole?”

Seriously? I mean WTF are people thinking? What has society come to when a person worries that their asshole, something nobody else should be seeing or contemplating much, isn’t as bright and even toned as the rest of their derriere. Have no other more pressing issues or problems to think about?

Naturally this lead my somewhat skewed sense of humor to imagine a new infomercial. One that could only be done by the sadly deceased Billie Mays.

“Hi Folks! Billie Mays here. Are tired of your butthole not being bright and even toned? Do you worry about how to erase that unsightly darkness surrounding your anal sphincter? Well now there’s a solution.

Try our new amazing Butt Be Bright! It Lightens! It Brightens! It Freshens!

No more need to feel self-conscious as your darkest nether regions will now be as bright and sparkly as the rest of you. And it smells great too!

Our new product comes in four entrancing fragrances: Ocean Breeze, Pine Forest, Floral Bouquet and Exotic Spice. You’ll not only look great but you’ll smell great too.

Order now and we’ll even throw in our Out Damned Spot for those more stubborn stains. If you call in the next 5 minutes we’ll double your order! 

That’s right, you’ll get two bottles of Butt Be Bright and two bottles of Out Damned Spot for the low price of only $19.99 (plus shipping and handling) So order now!

Quantities are limited and operators are standing by.

Disclaimer: Butt Be Bright anpsyche.”d Out Damned Spot are not meant for internal consumption. Side effects may include , but are not limited to; burning, stinging, itching, necrosis, anaphylaxis, loss of I.Q., loss of self-respect, loss of $19.99, humiliation, and anal prolapse. Not responsible for any damages to your body or psyche.”

Oh and my professional answer to the original question was: Nothing that would be safe.

So the question many of you may be asking when you read the
title of this blog is, “What the heck is a Swamp Snark?” So let me give you
some background…..

My Roomie, Julie, and my friend David the Mets Fan, were
commenting on my Facebook status. The commentary went something like this:

My Status:

grocery shopping done. Time to put food away. Then start laundry. Later
am planing to go to Joe’s Crab Shack for dinner with my roomie, to celebrate my
first paycheck at my new job

David the Mets Fan: How fun!! Have a great dinner celebrating. How do
you like your new job? I bet they love you.

Me: The new job is good. Not much business for me yet, but the people aare
great, the place is nice and bright and I know things will go well for me
there. They don’t love me yet. They are still getting to know me.

David the Mets Fan: Oh they will love you soon! Have they figured out
your wry east coast humor yet?

Me: Not yet, David. It’s only been 2 weeks. They’ve only begun to glimpse my
humor. Like yesterday when the 22 yr old stylist said “I don’t ever want
to get pregnant.” and I replied with a totally str8 face “Neither do
I.” Another stylist just started laughing, looked at me and said
“Krystle you just cracked me up. The look on your face was
priceless.”

David the Mets Fan: haha I wish I worked with someone like you.

Me: Someone like me? You mean a Red Sox fan?

My Roomie: MUSCLES!

Me: ‎*flex*

My Roomie: David, you see what I’m dealing with over here?

David the Mets Fan: Yes, I like the BoSox Krystle. My ex was a Red Sox
fan and we used to cheer for them against the Yankees. (I’m a Mets fan) 2004!!!
Haha

David the Mets Fan: Yes, Julie – you have quite the roommate – haha

Me: Yes, David. See what Julie is dealing with here? She has an awesome
roommate, with muscles, a ssense of humor, a taste for bad cheesey sci-fi
flicks, some skillz in the kitchen and the calm demeanor of a saint.

David the Mets Fan: a saint? Oh, I’ve
read about some of those Catholic saints. Is Julie safe? Haha

Me: Julie is safer than if she were in her mother’s arms.

David the Mets Fan: ROFL!!!

My Roomie: Dude, she made me watch Swamp Shark last night.

Me: Admit it Julie, you
ENJOYED watching Swamp Shark.

David the Mets Fan: Oh that is hysterical! I watched some cheesy
alligator sci-fi movie once.

David the Mets Fan: Okay, I need to check out netflix now and watch
that.

Me: David, this movie had shark and alligators. A two-fer!

David the Mets Fan: My two favorites – I will have to check it out. Yer
killing me here.

My Roomie: Okay okay. I enjoyed it. But who doesn’t like it when a
jerky coonass cop gets swallowed whole by a flying armor plated two ton
…shark?

David the Mets Fan: Lordy, you two sound like you would make a great
television sit-com

Me: At least we wouldn’t
be considered a dramedy! or a mockumentery

David the Mets Fan: The new Steel Magnolias – LGBT style

My Roomie: We are. We are two geniuses living in one apartment. Name
a TV show that doesn’t have a genius anymore? Like that happens.

David the Mets Fan: It’s your new
writing project Julie.

My Roomie: HA. A mockumentary. Send us forth and we shall mock.

Me: If we do a mockumentery in Lousiana bayou country we could call it Swamp
Snark

David the Mets Fan: Swamp Snark – I love it!

My Roomie: Krystle can hear me lol’ing about Swamp Snark!

David the Mets Fan: That sounds like a
good name for a blog.

My Roomie: I’m crying.

David the Mets Fan: Krystle – YOU
should write a blog. I bet it would be awesome

My Roomie: God. Please invite me to post on your blog, Krystle.

And lo, I was driven to start a blog. So for whatever suffering you endure
reading my missives here, you can blame my Roomie and David The Mets Fan.

Of course just because one has the urge to blog doesn’t
mean you can just start writing. Oh no. First I had to decide on a title. And a
theme.

I’d read that a good blog needs to have a focus. And I’ve
no desire to write a bad blog (sounds kind of like bad dog.) Since I am
not one who tends to stick with one specific topic, I wasn’t sure what to focus
on. Then my Roomie suggested I simply make the theme about my own point of
view. Simply put down my own twisted endeavors in humor, observations of the
human condition, poignant stories of my life, opinions on social matters etc.
Ok, I thought, I can work with that. But now for a title. Something catchy but
that also makes sense. Then it hit me, I will call it “Beware the Swamp
Snark
”!

I can almost hear the gears in your mind going round and
thinking “WTF? Where is this crazy old woman going with this?”

So let me elucidate. The “Beware” is kind of
self-explanatory. Simply be ready since you never know what you’ll read. Heck I
won’t even know what I’ll write sometimes until after it’s written.

Now for “Swamp”… well I felt it really described
the source of my material. In essence I can liken the contents of my mind to a
swamp. No not a stinking fetid morass of rotting vegetation. Geeze people give
me more credit than that! Actually swamps, bayous, marshes and other such water
rich environments are in reality complex ecosystems, rich and fertile and
simply teeming with a myriad of life. Such a huge variety of flora and fauna,
both seen and unseen. And the terrain is so varied. Dark, shadowy, spooky
places. Bright sun lit glades. Beautiful flowers. Pristine looking pools, murky
waters, slow moving currents of rivers, and yes some stinky places. And
everywhere you look, you can only see a small percentage of what is really
dwelling there. Just like my mind.

Now the “Snark”… well that is simply where my humor comes
in. Sometimes dark, often twisted, more often really skewed, often as not a bit
sarcastic. In other words; snarky.

So hop into a boat, grab a pole or paddle and let’s see
where the currents take you as we drift through the meandering waterways of my
mind. Just always remember: Beware the Swamp Snark!